Laura eats burrito with grace and dignity

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A Clapham woman successfully consumed an entire burrito at a central London eatery today, without making a giant arse of herself.

Laura Samson, 26, has historically managed to eat the first two thirds fine, but then allowed the last third to collapse into mush in her hands, before licking it up from between her fingers. This has longed plagued her success in the field of burrito eating, but today, Laura seems to have made a breakthrough.

Eyewitness Claire Buxton, 29, explained: “She looked both ladylike and elegant. There was no sign of salsa dribbling down her chin. It was like if a Disney princess ate a burrito – I’m surprised a flock of hummingbirds didn’t swoop in to clean her up, not that she needed it.”

“Afterwards, she folded the tin foil into a delicate origami crane and put on a Tom Ford lipstick. Without a mirror. She’s my hero.”

Laura was unavailable for comment, but her mother, Eileen Samson, 60, said: “At this stage, it’s not clear if this was a one-off incident or the start of a winning streak for Laura, who also finds it hard to eat soup without absolutely disgracing herself.”

Eleanor Morton

Eleanor Morton is a Scottish stand-up comedian, actor and writer, who has appeared on BBC Radio 4 and BBC Radio Scotland, as well as supporting Frankie Boyle and Stewart Francis on tour.