How to win friends and influence people, but mostly just your line manager, Amy

Here are some are surefire ways to make sure that people, and by ‘people’ we mean your line manager, Amy, will love you. Good luck!

Become genuinely interested in people

Practice talking to people before work so that you don’t do that weird repetitive rising intonation thing that you do when you’re asking for a favour later on. But don’t let it make you a few minutes late to being twenty minutes early for work, as that really wouldn’t impress your line manager, Amy. 

Smile

SMILE! Smile until your gums bleed, but especially whenever your line manager, Amy, is around. Emma from accounts made you a cup of tea, which is great, sure, but don’t waste your smile-workout on her, or you’ll burn yourself out by 2pm. 

Imagine that Amy is a small, newborn baby holding four puppies, whenever she is around. But don’t look patronising. And don’t think things in your head like wow, that newborn baby is so strong. Look kind of in awe of her, but give her a look that says ‘I completely and utterly have my shit together’.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

‘Amy’ is the most handsome and beautiful name, because she is the one who can grant you every worldly success that you’ve ever dreamed of and you really fucking need her to give you a reference so that you can get that promotion to be more involved in editorial (or whatever). 

Make sure that whenever you walk past Amy, you are humming a song that has the word Amy in. This will subliminally program her to think you’re some sort of Dylanesque demi-God. Move over, Beatlemania, because your line manager, Amy, is going to love you. Serious Paul McKenna-level shit. 

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

Think of people in terms of their passions. What does Amy like? If your Amy is anything like my Amy, you saw her eat a salad once, so bring up different types of salad every time you see her.

Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

If the other person (who is obviously not always your line manager, Amy, but let’s be honest, that’s who matters here) doesn’t feel important at this point, then double down on your efforts and make her feel so important that she can’t not love you. Buy her a cheeky keyring with salad on it.