Health & Fitness

Goals! This woman lost eight stone by losing her will to live

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A Slough woman managed to shed the pounds in a miraculous transformation after she decided she “just couldn’t be arsed anymore”.

“It was another Monday morning,” explained Patricia Brown, 27. “As I stared into the computer screen, having to make another excel spreadsheet my boss would take credit for whilst I listened to Dave and Tom talk about which celebrities they no longer wanted to sleep with, I just figured ‘what’s the point? My life is a meaningless cycle of fruitless actions’ and suddenly it was like a massive burden had been lifted off me.”

“Turns out the soul does weigh eight stone.”

Her boss, Mark Greenwood, 35, was the first to notice her physical transformation.

“Patricia was a pretty average and unremarkable worker in all aspects, but I have to say I really noticed her once her company-mandated name tag started drooping down her bosom. Not that I was looking at her bosom, mind you, but I really think losing that glint in her eye has done her wonders.”

Co-worker Shirley Camberwell, 23, agreed: “I never really noticed Patricia before, but she seems so much slimmer now. I’d not really heard of the Nihilist Diet before, but seeing how well it works, I will definitely have to read a bit of Nietzsche before my holiday to Gibraltar this year!”

Ruby Martin

Ruby Martin is a comedian, cartoonist and writer who has been described as "hilarious", "otherworldly" and "having an extraordinary collection of facial expressions". She once had a tweet liked by Rob Delaney, so that's something.