Meditation gives mind time to think about all previous poor life choices

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A recent study has revealed that the calming and quietening effects of meditation are easily offset by the fact that the mind uses this time to remember bad decisions, obsessively try to remember the name of the girl at school who once called you a slag so you can look her up on Facebook later, and cringing yourself inside out over the time you called your boss ‘mum.’

Mandy Judge, 34, from Great Yarmouth, has been attending guided meditation sessions for six weeks now. She described, “I attend the sessions because it’s nice to have 45 minutes to sit down without being interrupted by my kid needing his arse wiped, or my line manager who thinks I’m the only person who can clear a paper jam, just because I fluked it once.”

She continued, “I try and follow the instructions and clear my mind, focusing on nothing but my breath. But nature doesn’t like a vacuum, and the space is quickly filled up with repressed memories. Like last week, when I suddenly remembered that I once wore a white flared catsuit to a school disco. The shame of it completely eradicated the soothing sounds of falling rain the instructor puts on.”

Meditation has been shown to increase general wellbeing, improve the immune system, and reduce cortisol levels. Instructor Blossom Sandyfoot, 57, explained, “the important thing is to train yourself to be able to move on from these intrusive thoughts as they find you, and return your concentration to your breathing.”

She added, “it’s not always easy. I was stumped for a good five minutes in a class last week, when I remembered the time I drank six pints of Guinness on a first date and shat myself on the backseat of his car. I hadn’t thought about it for years. My cortisol immediately spiked. I took a deep breath and forced myself to repress it again. It’s the healthiest way of dealing with it.”

Blossom’s sessions run on Thursdays at the Hemsby Corn Exchange.

Sophie May

Sophie May is a comedy writer from Peterborough and is studying a PhD in sitcoms. Despite being a grown woman, Sophie still thinks jokes about poo and wanking are very funny. She once choked on a fake moustache.