Baby shower guest announces she’s done far more impressive things in sex than get pregnant

Reader, that guest was me.

Baby Showers are the prime example of credit where it’s not due. It takes more effort to not get pregnant than to get pregnant, which is why every month I have my Womb Shower. A chance for my nearest and dearest to shower me with Strongbow, moon cups, and ibuprofen… It’s just like a baby shower, only without the twee cupcakes, and (excuse my French) ‘shit chat’.  

Now, I’m not anti-pregnant women. How can I be? Some of my best friends are pregnant. I am just of the opinion that you shouldn’t throw a party if all you’re offering is Shloer and decaff tea with rice milk. Also, do you really need a ‘mummy to be’ sash for us to identify what that enormous bump of yours is? You’re not the mayor. Or are you? If you are, by all means wear a sash, that’s your uniform.

Historically, baby showers were meant for only the mothers’ first child. Now it has become common practice not just for the first child, but for the rest of the litter too. So for everyone approaching their early thirties, weekends are no longer yours. They’re taken over by engagement drinks (the baby showers of the wedding world), hen-dos, weddings, baby showers, christenings, naming ceremonies etc etc.

It’s not long until everyone is in so much debt from all the festivities that they top themselves. So the following year is made up of funerals. A sweet relief as they’re famously much less expensive.

Check out Annie’s new sketch series ‘Baby Shower’ with Turtle Canyon here.