Love & sex

10 sex moves that’ll make him say, “can’t we just do it the normal way?”

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You may think things are going great with your partner — but we’re here to tell you they’re not. Sure, you both enjoy your sex life, but when was the last time you tried food, role playing, or props in the bedroom? By food, we mean whipped cream and cherries, not leftover ziti eaten directly from the Tupperware while watching Netflix. If the answer is “never”, spend some time worrying about that.

Done worrying and ready to get serious? Good. Check your inhibitions, hang-ups, and dignity at the door! We’ve got the outlandish sexual gambits to tickle his fancy (oh, and there will be a lot of literal tickling, don’t you worry.)

  1. Let’s kick things off with tickling. Get out the long feather you’ve already bought based on our previous lists. Make him stay still, and tickle him under the chin, beside the kneecap, and to the left of the scrotum. Samantha Stilton, a Swindon-based sexpert, says “tickling is a classic, and all men love it. Can’t go wrong.”
  2. Does he want to grab your boobs? Don’t let him. It’s more fun that way.
  3. Put some ice cubes in a glass. Put them in your mouth, kiss him, put them back in the glass. Take a slice of lemon. Rub that along his chest. Put that in the glass. Top up with sparkling water, and you’ve got a nice drink.
  4. Try tickling with a different colour feather. Green, blue and orange feathers are trending, says Instagram sexfluencer Margie Trout.
  5. Why not cover each other’s bodies in spices? Think turmeric, curry powder, and paprika! “It’s also a boost to your gut health!” says Dr. Mary Chugglesby, sextroenterologist.
  6. The butt is also ticklish.
  7. Get creative with the props you find around the house. A foam roller can be a butt lifter, a sexy massage addition, or great for a playful sword fight. In the right circumstances, we can see you using this to do some kind of tickling.
  8.  “Tickling” is a funny word, isn’t it? The word tickle evolved from the Middle English tikelen, to touch lightly, according to Brent Throggleton, sexfessor of sexual history.
  9. Want to learn from someone who knows? Try going to a local Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. You’ll be sure to find some good tips there.
  10. Are your sexts falling flat? Consider hiring a sext ghostwriter. Just give them a body part, a verb, and a level of enthusiasm (tepid to randy), and they’ll do the rest!

If you’ve made it to the end of this list, you’re most likely an eleven-year-old who is curious about their developing sexuality and has no access to quality sex education. Hello! It may take years to correct the muddied ideas about sexual norms that this list has established in your preadolescent psyche. Sorry!

Amelia Granger

Amelia Granger hopes this will one day embarrass her son. She’s a writer who’s had stuff in the Guardian and BuzzFeed. Despite living in London, she comes from America.