Love & sex

10 Peep Show quotes that will get his dick hard

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It is a truth universally acknowledged that all men on dating apps are in want of a woman who can quote Peep Show at them, so we’ve complied a handy list of quotes you can use as shorthand to let him know you’re a “cool girl”  and thus worthy of his terrible penis.


Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers”

Yeah, well. Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can’t face reality.”

Absolute LOLs! And the passing mention of wanking will remind him of his own penis and how he could put it inside you if you play your cards right!


Not the Hootenanny! Never the Hootenanny! We’re better than that.”



I’ll tell you what, that crack is really moreish.”



“So unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.”



Note to self re: being the Fonz – Mark, you are *not* the Fonz.”

Mark’s social ineptitude will give your date the sexual confidence to awkwardly nod towards his bedroom and ask if you’re “up for one”.



“She is very attractive. But brown rice and Pop Tarts? That’s a car crash of a shopping basket.”



Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that’s the rule. Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.”



Mark’s like Israel, I’m Palestine. Makes it much more interesting if you pick sides.”


Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it’s all a big laugh.”

What a deep cut! If he doesn’t respect you after that, he never will!



“In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be… £530”


Good luck, and go get that hard dick, girl!

Emma Moran

Emma Moran is a writer and comedian who makes a living producing videos for the internet. Her work has previously been described as "witty", "fun" and "a cause for concern". She currently lives in London, sharing an apartment with two flatmates and some persistent damp.