All the different places you can cry now lockdown’s eased

After a bumper few months of successfully handling the coronavirus crisis, the UK Government is now doing us yet another solid and easing lockdown restrictions. Thank God – ladies, we know you’ve been crying nonstop in isolation. Now it’s finally time to shake up that sobbing routine.

Had to force your work colleagues to watch you cry over Zoom because you live alone and pointless corporate meetings are the only human contact you get? Fear not, you can now form an exclusive cry bubble with one other household. Go inside someone else’s cry-shack and let those never-ending tears flow in company. You can even stay the night! Think of all the distraught memories you’ll make together!

Perhaps you have more than one friend? Cry with up to six pals in the great outdoors. If you’ve run out of all conversational topics since you’ve had literally nothing going for you for weeks and weeks and your life is utterly empty, the mutual crying will be a great icebreaker. Why not have a barbecue? You can put it out with your tears.

Are you a psychopath who enjoys exercise? Well, why don’t you cry and hit your pointless ball about on a tennis court. You’re not better than us.

We’ve all missed panic-inducing jaunts weaving between swathes of other hysterical shoppers in packed Primark stores. Soon, your tears will be able to fall on frantic workers desperately trying to pick up strewn stacks of £3 tops while you have an aneurism and wonder what your life has come to.

No, you still can’t go near your nan. But now that theme parks are opening, you can sob upside down on a rollercoaster! About time, right!?

And finally, if you haven’t already, you may now be forced back into an unsafe workplace because your company does not see you as a person with a life to lose but merely a profit-making machine – cry here instead of your unchanged bed! Cool!

There is just so much to cry about. So much.