Expensive notebook definitely going to motivate Hannah to write novel this time

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A North London barista has been forced to defend her purchase of a deluxe £25 Moleskine notebook after it was revealed that the other twelve pads on her desk contained no traces of the novel she claimed to be writing.

Hannah Flitmore, 32, said: “Without a proper notebook, a person can’t write a novel. Just ask any popular author like Stephen Thing, Jake Rowlings or Junior Tolkien.”

“For a while, I thought I needed a vintage typewriter to win the Nobel Prize for Literature, but after I’d typed ‘book-spiration’ and ‘writer-tivity’ on it for Instagram, I realized that neither of those words would form part of my novel, or indeed the English language.”

“My novel is a time-travelling tragedy for the Twitter age, so creating it involves a lot of diagrams, post-it notes and looking at Buzzfeed all day instead of writing. All of these activities require notepaper with a high GSM to absorb the tears I shed when faced with the actuality of creative work.”

Responding to accusations that she once used a special edition iridescent mermaid pad from Paperchase (£13) to write a single shopping list, Hannah said: “You can’t buy creativity,” before concluding, “Trust me, I’ve really tried.”

Hannah made a further pledge that she would write in her best handwriting for more than the first page of the notebook. Experts later confirmed that this was not humanly possible.

Zoë Tomalin

Zoë is a comedian and assistant producer of TV shows, including ‘Room 101’. She is a former member of the Cambridge Footlights and regularly performs as part of high-energy deadpan sketch outfit, Siân & Zoë. Despite her novelty pink hair, Zoë is an insufferable nihilist, but none of this matters.