“Stop dumping all your problems on me,” demands Jess’s therapy cat

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A Norwich woman is at odds with her therapy cat over the one-sided nature of their relationship.

“Biscuit isn’t talking to me,” explained Jess Cook, 28. “He says we’re developing an unhealthy dynamic and that I should listen to his problems once in a while.”

“I didn’t sign up to be a therapy cat,” said Biscuit, 4. “I’m just your average house cat, and I’m in no way qualified to deal with Jess’s many, many emotional issues.”

“It’s not that I lack compassion,” Biscuit continued. “I know what the deal is – purr and cuddle and make nice, and get food and pats in return – but frankly, Jess is feeding me what, twice a day? That’s a bit of a bum deal. Meanwhile, she’s so needy that I have my own bloody therapist because I’m so traumatised by her life.”

“It would be fine if Jess made better choices, but she never learns. Maybe she should ruminate over the plethora of mistakes she keeps repeating with a less intelligent animal, like a rabbit, or a boyfriend.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.