Six cute Airbnbs to overhear your friends poop in

The post-holiday blues are just a fact of life. So is taking a shit. While you’re in a romantic autumnal mood, reminiscing over the fading memory of your two weeks in Kos, remember the immortal words of Keats on Autumn: “Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun; Book thee a charming weekend getaway, that is inexplicably tiny, and with a bathroom you’ll definitely accidentally overhear each other poo in and hate your lives; Until you think warm days will never cease, but you really hope they will so you can go home and get back to normal”.

Here are six of the best:

1. Romantic Austrian townhouse

This gorgeous Austrian townhouse in the heart of Klagenfurt’s old town has delicate plumbing and thin interior walls. But there’s no adorable symbol for those on Airbnb, which is about to bring you and Phil a lot closer than you expected, or indeed, hoped to be, after only two months of dating.

2. Rapidly-built Spanish hostel

Some people like to get through a lot of high-energy activities on holiday. Like pooing before day three. Make it into a competition in Barcelona, where the cheaply constructed ensuite door acts as an independent adjudicator.

3. ‘Cosy’ barn, Norfolk

Tanya’s got a problem this weekend she should really get checked out. Think about how to suggest this to her while you lie alone in your shared bed in this darling little mill cottage on the river just three miles from Cromer, but only eighty centimetres from the wall of your ensuite bathroom.

4. Capacious German apartment

There’s a minimum three-night stay in this modernist one-bathroom apartment in Hamburg. But the nine of you it can house are all only human, with functioning human digestive systems. Happy university reunion!

5. Self-catered Scottish eco home

You’ve only got yourself to blame in this charming eco-bothy in the Cairngorms. You and Paul rinse chicken before cooking it, even though that flies in the face of current food hygiene advice. The startlingly acute diarrhoea you both suffer really takes the shine off the Highlands.

6. Sussex treehouse

Shitting in a bucket is really your only option here, and nobody mentioned it in the reviews because presumably they didn’t want to be flung back into a trauma-induced flashback, much as the contents of said bucket are flung by unscrupulous guests out of the glassless treehouse window. Still, nice to get away from the city air, isn’t it?

Next year, only places with walls so thick an advancing Medieval cavalry couldn’t breach them will do. Perhaps you should’ve chosen the Tuscan castle after all.