Rachel only early to make her friends feel late

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A London woman who habitually arrives to meetings and social events more than twenty minutes early is only doing it to make her friends irrationally feel late.

“I always say ‘if you’re not early, you’re late’,” explained Rachel Martin, 28. “It really makes friends who arrive at the pre-arranged time feel like giant sacks of crap. Brilliant.”

“If timeliness is a competition, which I think you’ll find it is,” continued Rachel, “then being early is obviously winning.”

“My favourite bit is when they show up, and I’m already there, looking at my wristwatch, which I wear for the sole purpose of looking sternly at said wristwatch as a visual demonstration of others’ lateness.”

“They always look so sad like ‘oh I thought I was bang on time’,” laughed Rachel. “Nah, mate. Too slow.”

Freya Madden, 27, said: “I’m under a lot of pressure at work, my grandma’s really ill and I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me. It took a lot for me to be here at all. I wish I hadn’t bothered.”

When asked for a response, Rachel said: “Loser.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.