Five easy steps to make pancakes that end with you crying into a weird omelette

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It’s pancake day, so obviously you’ve invited some friends over and you’re going to cook something you’ve never made before for seven people, no pressure!

And, by the way, Deb’s bringing her new boyfriend Steve who you suspect already kind of hates you, but don’t worry: making pancakes is super easy, and only a totally worthless idiot could mess it up.


Mix the ingredients in a bowl. If the consistency seems wrong, add another egg to make it less doughy.


God, it looks really lumpy doesn’t it? Add another egg? Steve’s saying add another egg. Yeah, add another egg.


Heat a little butter in a pan. Sure, never seen butter go black before, but there’s a first time for everything.


Spoon the batter into the hot pan. Okay, that is way too hot. Scrape it out and start again. We can still fix this. Just stay calm.


Oh fuck, the fire alarm is going off. The batter must be too dry! Add more eggs until the pancake has as little structural integrity as your self esteem. Assure your guests you’re not crying, it’s just the smoke from the flaming pancake getting in your eyes. Steve is right to hate you.

Zoë Tomalin

Zoë is a comedian and assistant producer of TV shows, including ‘Room 101’ and 'Hypothetical'. She is a former member of the Cambridge Footlights and regularly performs as part of high-energy deadpan sketch outfit, Siân & Zoë. Despite her novelty pink hair, Zoë is an insufferable nihilist, but none of this matters.